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I was walking out of my hotel and I heard the familiar strains of an iconic bassline rumbling across the avenue toward me like the vapor trail of a picnic beckoning to a cartoon wolf. Bad ass!


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Fortunately, this movie reviewer wallows in such crude erectile-themed observations. Will Gluck's movie is packed full of smutty delights, expounded by the amiable central couple of Timberlake and Mila Kunis, who discover that platonic pounding is not all it's cracked up to be. Following a similar emotional trajectory to the marginally superior No Strings AttachedFriends with Benefits throws magazine art director Dylan Timberlake together with headhunter Jamie Kunis in New York timberlake she taps him up for a job at GQ. Both have ly endured perilous justin fortunes and after striking up a friendship, they agree to embark on a sexual relationship free of emotions. Unsurprisingly, some obstacles enter the fray and cause major conflict between the pair - although not before a refreshing boner of cunnilingual jokes have been reeled off. The movie subsequently shifts tone as Dylan's Alzheimer's suffering father the ever genial Richard Jenkins comes to the fore.

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Oh, we've got a fancy TV show named after us, a big ol' convention center that looks like a hill made out of guitar, Justin Timberlake not saying he's moving here but people thinking so anyway because it's just that believable all of a sudden — and wow, what a place to live and breathe! But underneath the hot-glued rhinestones and the travel guide Itty City Committee lists, there is another Nashville — a clumsy, skeevy and untoward Nashville — and that is the one we're here to talk about. The one where the cops barge in on a dinner-hour crowd and start rifling through the coolers to check on a ?

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The one where an NFL team comes in and gets their first win of the year? The Nashville where a song "accidentally" does a lot more harm than good? Someone hit the Boner on the head. So without further a-duh, we present the Boner Awards, where haplessness meets hubris and misery has a lot of company.

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Patrons say the Family Wash's shepherd's pie is so good it should be illegal — but that hardly explained the snafu awaiting diners last June. At about 10 p. No, they didn't arrive with guns drawn, but they began questioning staff and searching through the beer coolers. As the band onstage stopped playing, and customers looked on in disbelief, an ABC agent informed proprietor Jamie Rubin that his wine didn't cover the high-gravity beer he was selling.

Though he was pretty sure the agent was wrong, Rubin spent the next day removing and finding a place to store the offending suds. Meanwhile, Metro police spokeswoman Kris Mumford said the incident was a "routine call" — adding that some of the members of the group, known as Metro's Environmental Task Force, were trainees.

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Keep those Boners holstered, boners, until you can timberlake a Belgian ale from a Colombian cartel. Apparently the first rule of Citizen — the douchey members-only club whose cemented-over window frames face 12th Avenue South between the Broadway Tigermart and McGavock Street — is that you don't talk about Citizen. We learned this, of course, from the wannabe Gatsbys interviewed on camera for a CNN segment about the club they don't talk about, just as they never discuss money in front of the help.

Also, it has old post office boxes inside — how quaint! It's no secret Metro school board member and former state-level politico Will Pinkston likes to tangle, particularly with so-called "charter zealots" late at night on the interwebs. But spectators got a title match one Friday night when Raging Pink started trading barbs with Nashville Prep founder Ravi Gupta, a personal persona non grata, in an increasingly heated Facebook flame war.

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If you've already built it, they will come. Unless they don't — in which case you might have to institute a fee that goes toward drumming up interest in that half-billion-dollar thing you built.

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That's how it looked to critics of Metro's unpopular quarter-penny tax "fee" on some goods and services within the city's block "central business improvement district. Nope, that's already been paid for — with our future. Pierce Greenberg of the late lamented City Paper hung up the phone and yelled: "I think we've got toxic bunnies in South Nashville! The rabbits had been screwing like The result was a bunch of diseased New Zealand white bunnies roaming the neighborhood and probably infecting other wildlife.

They were likely headed for the pot at a restaurant or two. The good news? An old human-shit-burning facility in your neighborhood is being demolished. The bad news?

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The remains are being buried in your neighborhood! Oh, by the way — they're toxic.

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Those were the glad tidings Germantown residents received in May, when WSMV reported Metro's plan to bury the contaminated remains of an old incinerator complex right on site. Even though, yes, it was formerly used to burn human waste, Metro officials insisted that the remains had undergone toxicity tests and were safe.

When residents raised a stink of their own over the suspiciously quiet plan, Metro handled the situation as only it could — by reassuring folks their new fecal-ash-filled neighbor would be "pretty much like a landfill. The Iroquois Steeplechase — the annual event where blue bloods get shit-faced and compare hats while horses do something or other — provided more entertainment than usual this year when a couple of belligerent women in sundresses started brawling, then drew other folks into the fray as a cadre of frat-tastic dudes watched and provided bro-licious commentary.

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Video of the fight went viral, and there were enough different camera angles to keep grassy-knoll conspiracy types occupied for weeks. Hats off to the guy who broke up the fight with one hand while holding a football in the other — supposedly that's Joe Townsend, center for the Vanderbilt football team. Go 'Dores! In all the talk about "Alamo" Joe Carr entering the U. Senate primary race as the tea-guzzling tighty righty, we sometimes lose sight of the fact that whenever election season rolls around, incumbent Sen.

Lamar Alexander straps on his rhetorical bandoleros and drops the Mr. Moderate talk. How so?

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Not content with that disingenuous parallel, though, in October, Lamar! At a townhall meeting in Murfreesboro in August, U. OK, look, if you appeared on television as often as U. To further illustrate how well she relates to the common folk, Blackburn went on Fox and Friends during the government shutdown and casually suggested that "people are probably going to realize they can live with a lot less government than what they thought they needed.

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Even viewers accustomed to her homing instinct for the camera were surprised, however, when she bolted a hearing with U. She's probably on your set right now, although if she persists for more than four hours you should see a doctor. Given the state senator from Knoxville's behavior in recent years, we could just rename this issue The Campfield Races — but there's a better case for him to change his name to Stacey Boner.

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Here's a guy who on three separate occasions sent fundraiser announcements from his state — which is illegal — and directed supporters to restaurants that had no idea they were hosting fundraisers. First, Tennessee's one-man Boner assembly line sponsored the infamous "starve our children bill," which proposed punishing needy families by reducing their benefits if their kids didn't do well in school.

Then, when an 8-year-old girl tried to hand him a petition opposing the bill, he said sarcastically, "I love it when people use children as props. Have you ever thought about therapy?

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I hear they are doing some wonderful things with medications these days. As if Gov. Bill Haslam weren't already packing a full tank of Boner unleaded, he spent much of watching the Haslam family business — the truck-stop chain Pilot Flying J, run by gov-bro Jimmy Haslam — pump-jumped in the local and national press for allegations the company duped customers out of millions of dollars in gas rebates.

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One client, Nashville-based Western Express, was reportedly gouged out of so much dough that Pilot officials agreed to buy a million-dollar airplane to make up some of the missing money. Steamed as last week's rotisserie hot dog fountain-drink combo optional with fill-upPilot huffily denied the FBI's charges — a denial that might have sounded more convincing if a confidential informant hadn't recorded Pilot execs yukking it up over the rubes they were fleecing.

With their profane contempt and blatant bigotry — Pilot cutups saw the language barrier as an opportunity to short Hispanic customers through "Manuel rebates" — the ensuing transcript showed life imitating the venal hucksterism of Glengarry Glen Ross, even with this sad sack of Jack Lemmons. Pith commenters note that a word cloud of the FBI transcript gives roughly equal shrift to the words "customers" and "buttfuckin'.

Or to be more accurate, a Boner.

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Sometimes inactions speak louder than words. Take Gov. Bill Haslam's words about deciding whether to expand Medicaid under the Affordable Care Act: "I feel like our job is to get to the right answer whether that's a week from now or three months from now or a year from now," he said.

In March. Or how about never?

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Does never work for you, Tennessee, one of the sickest states in the country? It's clear now that Haslam's strategy all along has been to pretend he's trying, trying, trying so hard to negotiate a deal with those pesky feds, when in fact all he's doing is caving to the right wing in super slo-mo.

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Republican state Rep. Joe Carr's Boners popped up last year when he reportedly agreed with then-U. Todd Akin's musings about "legitimate rape" — and they've been raging ever since. The U. Senate candidate has been forcing his hard-on for Davy Crockett into seemingly every issue in the race thus far.

Fancying himself an heir to the Frontier King, he has taken it upon himself to invoke Crockett's legacy at every turn. The hard-headed Carr will make it to the end, but like his hero, he shot his wad a long time ago.

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Tennessee Democrats have been suffering from electoral dysfunction for several years now. Alas, there's not a pill on the market that could help them get it up. As of this writing, three of the seven — that's seven as in 7 — remaining Democrats in the state Senate plan to bail next year. In the party's glory days, would one of its leaders on the Hill ever envy the mayor of Jackson? Worse still, the party could only muster an unknown U.